#1

i love finding the cold side of the pillow. when i climb into bed, i always flip my pillow around bunches of times to cool my ears off. my ears are always get red when i'm super tired. weird. anyway. right now i'm writing my first real "blog" in my bed with my new computer. is it superficial that i feel more productive now that i own a laptop? i have a color-coded calender set up with all my big events coming up in the next month. i have a to-do list, also color-coded. i'm worried this is a novelty rather than a real life organizational change. i hope to keep this blog updated at least once every day or so once i get settled in spain. especially with pictures and stuff. and spanish phrases. that would be pretty exciting.

so anyway. i spent the day hanging out with a buddy, doing the most lazy stuff in the world. and it was great. in no great detail, i woke up midmorning, spent the day watching a few movies, playing wii, going on a hy-vee run, then coming back to watch the series finale of the incredibly hilarious show extras. what a lazy day. it was so great. and i don't feel bad about it at all. i'm 21, maybe i should be spending my free days getting ready for my mcat or my trip to spain or something adult, but it feels so good to have a day like this right after a long semester. i only have one or two more days of this kind of living before i head back to kc and spend time with my family and really start getting ready for spain. days like this i really feel my age, like young slash old, young enough to not have too many responsibilities and be able to spend the day shooting zombies and eating pizza but old enough to drink if i wanted, or run an errand at 1:30 in the morning. this is such a weird age to be but it's nice. sometimes it can be stressful and crazy and nerve-wracking but sometimes it's great. today it was great. tomorrow it will probably be great too. earlier tonight i watched this show on hbo called extras. it's about this guy (ricky gervais, who i will hopefully blog about soon) who works as an extra on movie sets and finally gets a break, but it's on this horribly camp tv show. he struggles with sacrificing his artistic integrity and dignity for fame and fortune. and tonight's show was the series finale, the last hour and a half special that closed the whole story out. it was all about this guy's struggle, alienating his friends, and also how his friend who also works as an extra hasn't been able to catch a break in show business and so she quits the acting scene and just struggles to make it working odd jobs, and she deals with all sorts of "what happened to my life?" types of issues. some of the best writing ricky gervais has ever done. for an hour and a half i slipped back into thinking all about what i'm doing right now, what i'm studying, what i'm trying to accomplish, where i want to get to, what happens if i don't. it was a nice reality check before i started killing zombies again. lazy days like this are always great, but it's also nice to stay grounded and aware of where you are in your life, and that hour and a half was perfect.

sometimes i worry if i'm worrying myself to death. how ridiculous is that? i should just be trying to my best at whatever i'm doing. instead i get nostalgic at age 21 and prematurely worry about my future wife and kids and grandkids at this age. why do i think about these things all the time? does anybody else my age worry this much? of course they do. who doesn't. it just sucks that nobody ever seems to voice these thoughts.

in ten years none of this will matter. i probably won't be blogging anymore, i'll probably be trying to provide for my family and keep my garage organized and worry about moles in my front yard or something. hopefully. or maybe something completely different. who knows. i am just doing my best, which is all anybody can ever do. deep huh? pretty good for a first blog. ok i'm going to bed. there are all sorts of zombies that need killing tomorrow.

-jon